Saturday, 23 July 2011

Georgina, I Choose You.

Before I start I would just like to say that this blog talks about poo (a bit and a little about vom) if you do not want to read about poo (and vom) then do not read this blog.

I would also like to add that I would normally never take the mick out of someone that WANTS me to come and help them out. However, with this particular host I feel that we are so hilariously mismatched that I had to share it. I would like to add that I am sure this host would make a brilliant helpx experience for someone who wants to experience that sort of thing. This person is not me.

Here is the email to me:

Hi! We live on our goat/sheep/cattle property in north-west New South Wales. Our property is fairly remote - 130km from township Bourke and a days travel by bus from Sydney. Please check out our profile and email me if youre interested. Kind Regards

I would like to point out that you are in fact correct in reading that I would have to bet sat FOR A WHOLE DAY on a bus to get here. Every time I get on a coach (particularly one with no toilet) I begin to panic and the only thoughts that go through my mind is I am going to vomit all over the coach and then crap myself. In fact the panic induced from knowing I was going on a 3 hour coach ride from Launceston to Hobart (with no toilet) meant that I didn't poop for 5 days. This is a very real worry for me, and here's why...

This is the infamous story of the bus ride to the airport when me and my friend Sluggy were going to Portugal. Firstly, I would like to say as we had to get up at 3am to catch our plan I had the brilliant idea (NAAT) of drinking a load of energy drinks (hilariously called mighty man). Feeling not great after the half an hour train I tried to go to the toilet (paying 70c to do so) but to no avail. We then boarded the coach. The coach ride from Frankfurt to Frankfurt Hahn airport is 1h 45 mins with no stop. I had done it many times before (the first time with my cousin and we were talking so much I didn't even notice the time) However, this time 15 mins in I hadn't needed to poo so much in my entire life. I told Sluggy that I was just gonna be quite and stare out the window as this would help me relax. I remember thinking how I wish I was dead so that I could feel better that is how bad I felt. Then 1 hour in I threw up. Not just this I threw up into the napkins I'd brought (just in case) then my tissues, then Sluggys' tissues, then Sluggy's Grazia turning page after page until a Finnish guy near me gave me a plastic bag (don't ever say I don't love the Finns I really do.) Then luckily after 15 mins of me trying to empty the contents of my stomach the coach stopped in Mainz. You have to realise how lucky this is as normally the coach only has one stop 15 mins in at Frankfurt Main airport and it only stops in Mainz twice a day. Anyway this one did. The driver let me get of and go to the toilet (another 1€) and I washed my hair and disposed of the bag. Luckily that was the only stress on that journey and I didn't do anything stupid like leave my passport on the coach ...... oh wait.
This is how upset I was after that coach journey.
 I soon cheered up once I got to Portugal.

Anyway this is why I don't like coaches. And despite the fact that nothing like this has ever happened again I still live in fear of that day. This is why I am not taking a days coach ride into Middleofnowhereooloo.You also read correctly that it is 130km from the nearest town. I'm not surprised they are low on helpers. Willing to give them a chance I read their post:

We are a family living on a large goat/sheep/cattle property in outback New South Wales. We are keen to host people (PREFER COUPLES OR FEMALES) and show them our wonderful part of the country. In exchange we ask for some help in and around the house & property. Nothing extremely hard - a few hours each day, maybe some house painting, gardening (ALWAYS LOTS OF WEEDING TO DO!!), child minding.

We have four children (aged 2 to 11 years) so you need to like kids!!

Accommodation: Caravan near house with shared kitchen/bathroom/toilet/laundry. All meals provided (Sorry NO VEGETARIANs/FUSSY EATERS).
Countrylink provide bus services to Bourke and I would be happy to pick you up from Bourke.
PS Its VERY hot out here in summer - you need to like the heat :)

This is just some excepts of how hilariously mismatched we are. Not just that I don't deal with the heat well (my German friend Linda will remember this when we were walking about in 35c heat and I just burst out crying) and that I don't believe I could live in a caravan (as you already have read toilet issues make me uneasy). Sluggy actually has stayed in tents twice on her helpx's so I do feel privileged to be placed in houses. The middle of Australia is a desert lets not forget that.

The main issue of course is the farm and the vegetarian/fussy eaters comment. Firstly, I am finding it harder and harder to watch cooking shows these days as the meat has actually started to upset me (as gay as that sounds) I remember when I was 16 during an art exam nagging my friend Alanna about her being a vegetarian thinking it was stupid. I wish we were still friends now and she could see what has happened. She would really have a good laugh. But yea there it is I wuv animals and I think farming is evil in every single way. I am not joining a farm. 

Saying that I am going to a llama farm in Perth. I don't know why someone would raise llamas but they have. My friend Nich did tell me there is a llama farm round her way where kids come and walk the llamas and it costs something hilarious like £30. So maybe this is the business. At any rate they are not eating the llamas.

Finally, I have never heard of a Vegetarian being described as a fussy eater before. I never thought before that it was fussy to think that animal murder is wrong. People will probably remind me that I became vegan in the first place because I was fat and I loved the attention. While this is true the more I read the more I wuv animals so it's fairly upsetting on all grounds now.

There was so much I wanted to say in reply (almost all of it in this post. However I held my tongue leaving it with a simple:

I'm sorry but I have already found my hosts for Sydney. Also I am a vegetarian.

Thanks for your enquiry

I think it's classy. And doesn't make me out to be a massive hippy bitch. And perhaps they will get the subtle criticism.  

No comments:

Post a Comment